Sixty and Single
  • Home
  • Workshop
  • Newly Single
  • Events
  • ARTICLES
  • My Story
  • Resources
  • Home
  • Workshop
  • Newly Single
  • Events
  • ARTICLES
  • My Story
  • Resources

Lauren Bacall's 'By Myself' still resonates

8/22/2014

 

Picture
"I think your whole life shows in your face and you should be proud of that."
​      
 - Lauren Bacall (1924-2014)


BY JULIA ANDERSON
Lauren Bacall wrote her original autobiography, "By Myself," in 1978. I read it back then at a time in my own life when I was in transition and was much more interested in Hollywood than I am now.

Her death at age 89 prompted me to search out the book, which I've hauled since.

I remembered liking "By Myself" 30 years ago. In rereading it, I still do because it's a real story, honest, if not brutally honest about her life from the time she met and married Humphrey Bogart in 1945 onward.... her life with him, her children and the ultimate crushing loss when he died of cancer in 1957.

Her story just gets started. Widowed in her early 30s, Bacall must find her way as a single mother of two young children and keep some kind of a career going (code for earn a living).

She turned to her friends for support, some married, some not. Some reached out and included her, others couldn't handle her singlehood. Frank Sinatra had been a close friend of Bogie and became her close friend. But the relationship was on and then off.

Bacall describes what grief did to her early on. The desperate pain of loss, the slow realization that life alone was all about conversations with yourself, by yourself.

She writes, "People always ask what you'd change if you had your life to live over again. I wouldn't change a lot of the unhappy times because then I would miss something wonderful.

But I would change like a flash--me during it -- how I behaved with Stephan and Leslie (her kids), either short-tempered or over-affectionate --avoiding everything I could that had to do with Bogie, with my past life -- my insane desire to get out of my house. As if that could erase anything."

This was the 1960s before modern support groups, online counseling and social media. Before ModernWidowsClub.com. It was Bacall talking to her mother late at night, talking with her friends over dinner. Trying to find her way. It was tough. But her story, which doesn't spare the details of widowed life, is no tear-jerker.

Bacall writes in a self-critical way that draws you in as a fellow traveler. She looks back on her grief, her transition out of Hollywood back to New York, her recovery. She brings you along on a journey that's interesting for her candor about mistakes, about friends who dropped her and about men.

She marries again in 1961. This time to Jason Robards, among the most talented American stage actors of his time. Robards also was an alcoholic, which eventually destroyed the relationship and resulted in divorce in 1969. From that marriage, Bacall bore another child. She accepted the end of her marriage to Robards as inevitable because of his drinking.

Bacall describes herself as a "risk taker" and went to Broadway first in "Cactus Flower" in 1965, "Applause" in 1970 and "Woman of the Year" in 1981. She won Tonys for Applause and Woman of the Year. In 1976, she co-starred with John Wayne in his last movie, The Shootist."

Personal lessons learned?
"The lesson of Bogie and I had finally put into practice: In the face of inevitable, terrible happenings, is that is it is "much better to hold on to one's character and hurt others as little as possible. The straight road," she said.  

On who she was: "I've finally discovered," she said, "that you really don't learn from past mistakes. You do logically, reasonably, but emotionally, not for a second. I didn't mean to waste one more minute. Patience was still not my strong suit."

On losing someone you love: "The knowledge of death being part of life's cycle helps not at all. There is no way to prepare for the darkness of that pit of despair, that gaping hole that remains empty and gnaws constantly like an open nerve."

On working: "Work is essential to me -- really using myself, really functioning, body and mind at their best -- but it only heightens my emotional needs, it doesn't lessen them."

Bacall went on to write again. "Now," in 1994 and "By Myself and Then Some," in 2005. I've not read either but will have to track them down.

On widowhood: "I had to get out from under being "Bogart's widow." That was not a profession, after all -- and there would be no hope of a new beginning unless I fought for one."

On being a single woman: "A woman along can't win with wives. It's a problem I've had all my single life, and there's no way to fight it."

In the flurry of news about Lauren Bacall's death, there was little coverage beyond her Hollywood celebrity days, her marriage to Humphrey Bogart. The comments were about her beauty, her chiseled looks and smoky eyes. Nothing was said about her books, about her Broadway work.

One-minute summaries don't allow for much. I remembered liking Bacall's "By Myself," for her storytelling, her candor and the rough patches and how she managed them. Still do.

She finished her first book this way: "I don't like everything I know about myself, and I'll never be satisfied, but nobody's perfect. I'm not sure where the next years will take me---what they will hold-- but I'm open to suggestions."

Thank you, Lauren Bacall for putting a voice to what many women experience in the circle of life. -- Julia

For comment on her life by Betsy Sharkey in the LA Times, "Appreciation: Lauren Bacall's Voice resonated with Women," click here.

For more:
"Knock Wood," by Candice Bergen about growing up with her vantriloquist father Edgar Bergen.
​
"The Year of Magical Thinking," by Joan Didion after the death of her husband.

"Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith.," by Anne Lamott.

After full lives together, more older couples are divorcing, click here.

Social Security: What you need to know

8/6/2014

 

Picture
"I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair."
   - Erma Bombeck, American humorist (1927-1996)

​Social Security Tips
1. Set up a secure personal account at www.ssa.gov.
2. Know your benefit numbers. You may want to wait to  claim.
3. Look into spousal and survivor benefits if you are divorced or widowed.
4. Social Security eligibility applies to same-sex couples, if they live in states that recognize the union.
5. Before making a decision about Social Security, consider your health and life-expectancy, income now, and in retirement and tax issues to maximize lifetime benefits for you and your spouse.


BY JULIA ANDERSON
Retirement planning is only one of several reasons why women should create an online account at www.ssa.gov and find out more about what benefits could come their way from the federal Social Security Administration.

My friend Alan Edwards (left in photo), Social Security public affairs specialist in Portland, Ore. emphasizes that "Social Security is so much more than just a retirement plan. As you pay your FICA taxes on earnings during you working life you are preparing for retirement. But you also are buying life insurance and disability insurance,” he says.

There may be variables related to your age, your marital status, other personal circumstances and your physical health that could affect how and when you may receive benefits.
For example:
   - If you are widowed and disabled, you may be eligible for survivor benefits on your deceased husband’s work record as early as age 50.

   - If you are divorced but were married to someone for 10 years or more, you may be eligible for a benefit on your ex-spouse’s work record. That’s if you are 62 or older and have not remarried. If they have died, you may be eligible for survivor benefits.

   - As a married couple, you may be able to maximize your Social Security benefits by having one of you claim on the other’s work record while your spouse files but suspends benefits until age 70.

Avoiding Social Security surprises

“The No. 1 and most important thing for people to know about Social Security is their ‘numbers,’” Edwards said. “It’s essential that people know what benefits they are eligible for and how they are calculated. Women are often surprised that their work record may not qualify them for benefits or that their benefits are lower than expected.

The minimum work requirement for Social Security is 10 years but it’s your lifetime of work -- the highest 35 years of earnings -- that Social Security looks at to determine your benefit
To figure all this out, Social Security offers an online calculator that tells you what your monthly benefit will be depending on when you start taking a payout.

gain, this is worth checking out because the longer you wait, the more your benefit will increase up to age 70.

For example: If you monthly full retirement benefit at age at 66 is $1,021, it is reduced by 25 percent to $766 month, if you start benefits at age 62. Benefits jump to $1,669 if you wait to age 70 (or an 8 percent a year increase for each year you wait beyond your full retirement age). It’s important to know your numbers, Edwards said.

Benefits based on marriage

Calculating benefits based on marriage is among the more complex areas of Social Security planning. Depending on whether your ex-spouse is alive and has filed for benefits or is deceased and whether you are single or remarried are factors in what benefits you might claim on an ex-spouse’s work record.

“Depending on your own work record and earnings as well as your age, you may be eligible for up to half of the benefit of an ex-spouse,” Edwards said. “If your ex-spouse is deceased, there’s a survivor’s benefit.”

Edwards agrees that figuring out benefits related to a divorced ex-spouse is confusing but it’s worth sorting out. If you are disabled or if the ex-spouse dies, for instance, you may qualify for certain benefits on his or her work record.

“We encourage people to check back in with us if something in their life changes,” he said. “It’s important to screen for all types of benefits. We look at the situation and then evaluate what’s out there.”

Online tools

 With Social Security everything has moved to the Internet. The agency no longer mails out annual benefits estimates but instead asks Americans to create their own secure online account where they can get up-to-date information on their estimated retirement benefits and work record.

Even though retirement may be a long way off, it’s a good idea to check the account to make sure no one is committing fraud by using your Social Security number to collect benefits or to work using your number, Edwards said.

“You can easily see estimates for each benefit category and at the same time you get a lot of good information about programs in a simplified format without hunting all over the place,” he said. “If you’re already receiving benefits but still working part-time, it’s important to make sure those earnings are posted correctly. If it looks like someone is using your Social Security number, contact us immediately.”

Low-income people can use their Social Security account to verify benefits for purposes of applying for subsidized housing, for energy assistance or veteran’s services. Through the online account, you can print out your personal verification of benefits letter to help qualify for these services.

Same sex couples benefits

With the federal U.S. Supreme Court ruling this year on same-sex marriages, there is no federal ban on Social Security paying benefits to same-sex couples, Edwards said.

“We may not be able to process applications in some states because of state law but there’s no ban on benefits,” Edwards said. “It depends on where they were married and where they now reside. We defer to the state on marriage and divorce action so same-sex marriage legality is still state by state.”

Meanwhile, those turning 65 must sign up for Medicare through the Social Security Web site at www.ssa.gov. Even if your full-retirement age for receiving benefits is 66 or 67, Medicare eligibility sign-up is required at 65.

“Your really don’t want to get caught without it since there are penalties,” Edwards said.
Meanwhile, knowing how much your Social Security benefit will be is an important part of the retirement planning puzzle.

And don’t rely on friends or even financial planners and investment advisers to have all the Social Security ins and outs, Edwards said. Each situation is different and what might work for your cousin may not be the correct formula or the right strategy for you. Social Security was never intended to be your only source of income when you retire but it certainly is a key factor in your planning.

With Baby Boomers celebrating their 65th birthdays and attending their 50th high school class reunions, it’s no surprise that the Social Security Administration is processing 10,000 retirement applications a day.
For more:

Helpful Web siteswww.ssa.gov for benefits, planning information.
www.aarp.org  Social Security calculator.
www.wife.org for retirement planning for women.
www.bedrockcapital.com click on SSAnalyze.
www.kiplinger.com Strategies to boost your Social Security.
www.fidelity.com Social Security tips for couples.

    Picture

    Julia anderson

    I meet women all the time who face job and money transitions and who want to do them right. It’s about building confidence and taking charge of  the future.  This is your money.  No one cares more than you do! 

    Archives

    June 2023
    September 2022
    July 2022
    February 2022
    January 2022
    December 2021
    November 2021
    September 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    November 2020
    October 2020
    September 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    February 2011

    RSS Feed

    Categories

    All
    Women: Retirement Planning
    Women: Saving And Investing

Editor's note: All information provided at sixtyandsingle.com is for informational purposes only. Sixtyandsingle.com makes no representations as to the accuracy, completeness, suitability or validity of any information on this site and will not be liable for any errors or omissions in this information or any damages arising from its display or use.

    Follow by email

Submit