"Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers, but to be fearless in facing them. Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it." - Rabindranath Tagore.
By Julia Anderson
"It's just going to take time."
That's the last thing you want to hear from friends as they pat you on the shoulder over your loss. They've done their bit. They've given you all the comfort they know how to give and now it's up to you to survive one day at a time while the clock ticks. These well-meaning friends could do better for those of us who are suddenly 60 and single either because of the death of a spouse or (as in my case) an unexpected divorce.
It is six years this month since I learned that my then 63-year-old husband was involved with another (much younger) woman and "didn't think he could give her up." I've come along way from the shock and profound grief of that moment six years ago as I then moved through a divorce and on to a new life. For me in that first year, it was some times about getting through the next 30 minutes rather than the next week or for God's sake, the next year.
I had my episodes of plate smashing, of cursing the pain and crying my eyes out. At the time I had a job to go to every day, a job that kept me from going crazy as things slowly got better. I learned a lot that first year, I sought out learning, devoured books, pasted notes of encouragement to myself on the fridge. I learned to cry with my eyes open, to stay away from people who wanted to gossip about what had happened, who looked at me like a specimen under a microscope. I learned there were those I could talk with who understood, those who didn't.
Women every day are making these adjustments that in the dark of night can take your breath away for the profound aloneness of it all, for the silence of the evening at sunset and for the constant inner dialogue as you plan the next minute, the next day, the next move.
A friend of mine told me recently that sometimes when she comes home to the empty house since her husband died, she immediately must go out again...to the store, somewhere. "Then when I come back the second time, I can handle the emptiness," she said.
Another friend who recently lost her husband has a grandchild living with her that has eased the empty house issue a bit. But she too is early into her journey to find her new self, to get back on top. She says she's looked a volunteering but finds many of organizations in need of stronger management. "I wouldn't be able to keep my mouth shut so I just move on," she said. I suggested that maybe she needs to find a paying job. She nodded but I can tell it's too soon; she has more sorting to do.
Those of us in our 60s are really too young to devote all our time to grandchildren although that option offers certain comforts. We feel that there's still a contribution to be made, a project to undertake, a problem to solve.
Here at www.sixtyandsingle.com I've shared resources for those working hard to find their footing as a single woman over age 60. There's a new book for the list: "Thriving Through Tough Times: Eight Cross-Cultural Strategies to Navigate Life's Ordeals," by Deidre Combs.
Combs offers practical ways to handle those really tough times; those that "appear when the people, health or bank accounts we counted on disappear. We suddenly lose someone very dear. We become really, really ill, or the bank auctions our home...when the ground dissolves underneath our feet."
Yes, that's what I'm talking about when you are suddenly 60 and single. The devastating rush of aloneness is something you can't really prepare for even if the person you're losing falls ill and leaves you over a long period of decline. Worse is abandonment, sudden and sharp. Either way the ground has dissolved under our feet.
Combs with undergraduate degrees in mathematics and Spanish, a masters in Information Technology and a Ph.D. focused on world religions, has a firm grasp on the grief process. She understands the universality of suffering.
A reviewer at www.Amazon.com says Combs, "provides multiple examples from countries and cultures, and she enlivens the text further with quotations from people of various ages, ethnicities, eras and professions. The uplifting conclusion is both a summary and inspiration. A useful grief guide with groundbreaking ideas, expert advice and a compassionate tone."
When I was immersed in the worst of my grief from loss, I recognized the two-sidedness of it all. The pain kept me awake at night but it also brought me in touch with deep universal truths, it had me seeking out authors that tackled the worst of the human condition. Alexander Solsynitzen comes to mind. His "Gulag Archipelago" was actually a comfort.
Joan Didion's "The Year of Magical Thinking" about suddenly losing her husband to a heart attack was enlightening. Authors Anne Lamott and Annie Dillard offer perspective on the human condition.
Viktor Frankl's "Man's Search for Meaning" explores the very essence of human suffering, how to overcome man's cruelty to man, beyond loss to the acceptance that there's no answers. I've mentioned Susan Anderson's "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing," several times here at www.sixtyandsingle.com
So how am I doing six years beyond my crushing disappointment, my loss? Friends would say I'm doing well.... remarried, traveling and working as a writer in semi-retirement. I have private moments of inner sorrow over what happened. I suppose I'm forever changed, maybe a bit separated from the day to day silliness of life.
I enjoy the moment in ways I never could before. I get down on my knees in thanks for my health and the active life I still have and my wonderful companion. I'm luckier than most.
Tomorrow, I leave for a two-week motorcycle trip to Utah's scenic canyon lands with Ken. We will visit my 98-year-old mother both going and coming back. I'm bringing along three books on my Kindle. One of them is Combs' book on Thriving Through Tough Times. There's always something new to learn, to think about.
It has been a remarkable six years...one moment at a time.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Frontline exposes what we always suspected, Our 401(k) management fees are crippling us.
Frontline's recent broadcast on public television called "The Retirement Gamble" has created a firestorm of conversation and concern for people in the financial planning industry, retirement fund managers and those of us who advise and comment on the topic.
Key elements of Frontline's investigative look at how the 401k business works:
- Retirement money management is big business.
- Most retirees are unaware of the fees being taken out of their nest eggs that over time will cost them tens of thousands of dollars!
- Most companies provide their employees with limited choices for where their retirement money can be invested and despite recent congressional action to bring more transparency to the business, the veil shrouding fund fee disclosure has not been lifted. The depressing news is that working Americans are being short-changed when it comes to 401(k) retirement management plans.
According to Frontline research, the average wage earner stands to lose $109,407 over the lifetime of retirement investing in fees and commissions that reduce the reinvestment factor in their savings programs.
Anyone who has spent time planning for retirement knows that to live comfortably without running out of money you will need a $1 million nest egg. Few of us will achieve that goal, but certainly we're not getting any help from the 401k industrial complex. What can you do? Here are suggestions from experts interviewed by Frontline:
1. Make friends with the people where you work who are in charge of managing the company 401k plan. Ask them about fund choices and fund fees. Make this a mutually beneficial conversation. What fund manager is the company's plan using? Ask for full disclosure of management fees and trading fees. If you work at a larger company, go to www.brightscope.com to see fee rates.
2. Save as much as possible up to the 15 percent maximum limit in your 401k from day one. If you're over 50, save even more in your 401k. Your minimum goal should be $1 million in your retirement nest egg by age 65.
3. Don't invest in your own company's stock. You're taking enough risk just by working there. Diversify your savings in low-cost index funds with expense ratios of 1 percent or less. What's an index fund? Index funds are a collective investment vehicle (fund) that aims to replicated the movement of an index of specific stocks or a set group of investments. For example, S&P 500 Index funds invest in the 500 leading publicly traded companies in the U.S. stock market. If the S&P 500 goes up, your S&P Index Fund will go up. No one is "managing" the fund and collecting a big fee for doing it. Get it!
4. If you leave a job don't be influenced by advisers who will push you into their own typically more expensive proprietary financial products. Either leave the money where it is or roll it into your new employer's 401k plan. You might also consider a rollover IRA in a self-managed account at Fidelity, Vanguard, Charles Schwab where you are in charge and can monitor expense ratios on the funds you invest in at lower cost.
After reviewing the Frontline broadcast, Robert Brokamp of the Motley Fool wrote a piece called "The Tyranny of the 401(k) Industrial Complex." Brokamp summarizes by reminding us all that planning for retirement IS up to each one of us. Click here for the Motley Fool retirement calculator.
"However you manage your finances, ensure yourself that it's doing more for your retirement than someone else's."
If the Frontline expose isn't enough, read Helaine Olen's book, "Pound Foolish," an expose of the financial services industry. In it Olen describes the business as a "world of illusionists, conjurers, and snake-oil salesmen of every stripe."
Again, who cares about your welfare, your retirement security and your money, more than you do? It's up to us all to get on top of our retirement planning, ask tough questions of our 401(k) fund managers and make sure we are not paying for someone else's retirement.
Key elements of Frontline's investigative look at how the 401k business works:
- Retirement money management is big business.
- Most retirees are unaware of the fees being taken out of their nest eggs that over time will cost them tens of thousands of dollars!
- Most companies provide their employees with limited choices for where their retirement money can be invested and despite recent congressional action to bring more transparency to the business, the veil shrouding fund fee disclosure has not been lifted. The depressing news is that working Americans are being short-changed when it comes to 401(k) retirement management plans.
According to Frontline research, the average wage earner stands to lose $109,407 over the lifetime of retirement investing in fees and commissions that reduce the reinvestment factor in their savings programs.
Anyone who has spent time planning for retirement knows that to live comfortably without running out of money you will need a $1 million nest egg. Few of us will achieve that goal, but certainly we're not getting any help from the 401k industrial complex. What can you do? Here are suggestions from experts interviewed by Frontline:
1. Make friends with the people where you work who are in charge of managing the company 401k plan. Ask them about fund choices and fund fees. Make this a mutually beneficial conversation. What fund manager is the company's plan using? Ask for full disclosure of management fees and trading fees. If you work at a larger company, go to www.brightscope.com to see fee rates.
2. Save as much as possible up to the 15 percent maximum limit in your 401k from day one. If you're over 50, save even more in your 401k. Your minimum goal should be $1 million in your retirement nest egg by age 65.
3. Don't invest in your own company's stock. You're taking enough risk just by working there. Diversify your savings in low-cost index funds with expense ratios of 1 percent or less. What's an index fund? Index funds are a collective investment vehicle (fund) that aims to replicated the movement of an index of specific stocks or a set group of investments. For example, S&P 500 Index funds invest in the 500 leading publicly traded companies in the U.S. stock market. If the S&P 500 goes up, your S&P Index Fund will go up. No one is "managing" the fund and collecting a big fee for doing it. Get it!
4. If you leave a job don't be influenced by advisers who will push you into their own typically more expensive proprietary financial products. Either leave the money where it is or roll it into your new employer's 401k plan. You might also consider a rollover IRA in a self-managed account at Fidelity, Vanguard, Charles Schwab where you are in charge and can monitor expense ratios on the funds you invest in at lower cost.
After reviewing the Frontline broadcast, Robert Brokamp of the Motley Fool wrote a piece called "The Tyranny of the 401(k) Industrial Complex." Brokamp summarizes by reminding us all that planning for retirement IS up to each one of us. Click here for the Motley Fool retirement calculator.
"However you manage your finances, ensure yourself that it's doing more for your retirement than someone else's."
If the Frontline expose isn't enough, read Helaine Olen's book, "Pound Foolish," an expose of the financial services industry. In it Olen describes the business as a "world of illusionists, conjurers, and snake-oil salesmen of every stripe."
Again, who cares about your welfare, your retirement security and your money, more than you do? It's up to us all to get on top of our retirement planning, ask tough questions of our 401(k) fund managers and make sure we are not paying for someone else's retirement.
Friday, April 26, 2013
Hearing loss is a misfortune: What you need to know about deafness and investing in hearing aids
"I am just as deaf as I am blind. The problems of deafness are deeper and more complex, if not more important than those of blindness. Deafness is a much worse misfortune. For it means the loss of the most vital stimulus-- the sound of the voice that brings language, sets thoughts astir, and keeps us in the intellectual company of man." - Helen Keller
Hearing Loss FACTS:
- Americans with some level of hearing impairment: 37 million
- Hearing loss in the total population: 12.1 percent
- Hearing loss among adults, 65 and older: 29 percent
- Causes of hearing loss: Noise, 33 percent; Aging, 28 percent; Infection or injury, 17 percent; Loss at birth, 4.4 percent.
- Hearing loss is the third most common health problem in the U.S.
SOURCE: Centers for Disease Control, CDC, Atlanta, Ga., Gallaudet Research Institute, Washington D.C.
BY JULIA ANDERSON
Do you regularly ask family and friends to repeat themselves?
Does your spouse complain that the sound on the television is too loud?
Do you hear crackling noises?
Do you hand the phone to your spouse when someone calls?
These are signs of hearing loss. Join the club, nearly 12 percent of all Americans and 30 percent of those 65 and older have trouble hearing.
The good news is that recent advances in technology are making hearing aids smaller and more effective. The bad news is costs are not coming down and Medicare doesn’t cover the expense, which typically can range from $750 per hearing aid to as much as $3,200.
For Sally Bliss, Camas, Wash., the cost was worth the expense.
A non-malignant brain tumor diagnosed 13 years ago affected her hearing and the balance mechanism in her ear. By 2004 she had 5 percent hearing loss in one ear and 50 percent in the other.
“I was feeling a lot of emotion around this…I was having the biggest pity party,” Bliss remembers. “My advice is go get help; don’t be afraid of spending the money and stay engaged in the process.”
Bliss says wearing hearing aids with Bluetooth software technology has changed her life.
“Hearing loss can be devastating…and wearing hearing aids is a huge adjustment,” she said. “But you just can’t give up on life. I can now watch TV, go to movies, communicate with my husband and talk to my kids on the phone.”
Bliss, 73, is a success story but experts say many people slip into isolation because of untreated hearing loss.
A recent national study showed that hearing loss in older people may exacerbate frailty, cognitive decline and other serious medical conditions. The study reported in JAMA Internal Medicine found that annual rates of cognitive decline were 41 percent greater in older adults with hearing problems than in those without.
Addressing hearing loss, however, is about more than buying a hearing aid to amplify sound, said Brad Edgerton, PhD audiologist and director of audiology for Ear, Nose and Throat Clinic of the Northwest in Vancouver, Wash.
“Hearing loss is a tough problem for a lot of people because it’s complicated and involves their social structure, their family,” Edgerton said. “It’s all about how you apply the technology to make life easier and better for people.”
Edgerton with 35 years of experience agrees that some patients resist hearing aids for simple cosmetic reasons because they “make them look old.”
“My impression is that cosmetics is always important even though attitudes are changing,” he said. “There used to be a real stigma with hearing aids because only older folks needed them. As the technology has gotten smaller, younger people are more willing to explore hearing aids. We now see as many people under age 65 as are over that age.”
Miniaturization related to digital computer-chip technology continues to bring changes and improvements to the hearing aid industry. Some digital devices now feature Bluetooth software that allows receiver-in-canal connectivity to smart phones or televisions. For example someone with hearing loss can enjoy direct amplification from the TV while their spouse and family hear the sound at normal levels.
Even with these advances, no hearing aid can completely restore normal hearing, experts say. The best that can be expected is improved hearing that requires commitment on the part of the patient to manage the device and embrace professional support.
“We try to get a happy customer who will use their hearing aid seven days a week,” Edgerton said. “If it’s in a drawer unused, it’s been a failure.”
Cost can be daunting
Amit Gosalia, PhD. audiologist and owner of Audiology Clinic Inc. in Vancouver, Wash. agrees that hearing aid costs can be daunting.
“But first of all, not everyone needs a hearing aid so the first step is to find out why you may be having hearing loss,” Gosalia said. “A full audiology evaluation can reveal a lot.”
And there are numerous ways to get financial help, he said.
Medicare will cover a hearing medical exam and an audiologist’s test if ordered by a physician. Some private Medicare Advantage plans may cover part of hearing aid costs.
Industry fragmentation, confusing messages
Hearing aids are sold with a multitude of brand names but the reality is that they all are produced by a few manufacturers, among them Starkey, Siemens, Phonak and Microtech. Consumer Reports magazine describes the market as “fragmented and confusing” where consumers face “difficulty sorting out good hearing-aid providers from the less-capable ones.”
Prices of hearing aids remain high because research and development costs related to digital technology are increasing. In fact, development and manufacturing costs have risen faster than global demand for hearing aids. Wholesale prices have doubled, Edgerton said.
Meanwhile, high prices, mediocre fittings and lack of product information about what they were buying makes the experience less than satisfactory for many, said Consumer Reports. The magazine’s writers said the most important decision when buying hearing aids was to “find the proper professional from whom to buy because it’s likely going to be a long-term relationship” with follow-up fittings and device upgrades.
Be prepared to then ask a lot of questions:
Does the device have suppression feedback?
Does the device have directional microphones, which help with conversations in noisy situations or when watching TV?
What does the warranty and return policy look like?
Will follow-up services be available? How many fittings are allowed with the purchase?
What’s the return policy?
Make sure office hours and location are convenient. Does the office handle walk-in repairs rather than by appointment?
If a loan is part of the purchase agreement, make sure you know what you’re signing. Some may claim no interest for 12 months but 14 percent interest on a three-year loan.
Financial assistance for low-income clients may be available from several sources, said Vancouver audiologist Gosalia.
“Look at your cash flow…can you do monthly payments,” he suggested. “But keep in mind you’re not buying just a hearing aid but also follow up services that go with it – rescreening, refittings.”
Lions Club International operates the Lions Affordable Hearing Aid Project. The Starkey Hearing Foundation may be another option. Sertoma provides mostly refurbished hearing aids to people who need assistance and state Medicaid programs also may provide hearing aids to people of very limited means.
For more information, contact your local social services agency for an appointment to determine your eligibility for Medicaid. If you’re a veteran, seek assistance through the Veterans Administration. The state Dept. of Labor & Industries may be a resource, if your hearing loss is tied to work.
Ask your provider for help in finding low-cost ways to buy hearing aids.
HELPFUL WEB SITES:www.consumerreports.org
www.audiology.org
www.betterhearing.org
www.hearusa.com
www.aarp.org
www.disabled-world.com
www.aidright.com
www.healthyhearing.com
HEARING AID BUYING TIPS:
1. Get a check up. Before shopping for hearing aids, see an ear, nose and throat physician or a trained audiologist for a hearing test and medical exam. An accurate diagnosis of your problem is essential in selecting the best hearing aid. Some people don’t need hearing aids.
2. Look at follow-up service provided by the vendor. Service is a big part of what you’re buying. Check for a warranty.
3. Ask for a trial period. If a device doesn’t meet you needs return it. Be aware of misleading sales tactics -- hearing aids can not restore normal hearing.
4. Involve spouse and family members in the process of buying and learning to use a hearing aid. Classes may be available.
5. Price is secondary. The most expensive device may not be the best for your needs.
6. Don’t be afraid of new technology. Try it and find out what it will do. At the fitting visit, practice talking on the phone and other activities.
7. Be honest with yourself. Wearing a hearing aid is much less noticeable than asking people to repeat themselves.
SOURCE: Ear, Nose and Throat Clinic of the Northwest and Audiology Clinic Inc., both Vancouver, Disabled-world.com.
TYPES OF HEARING LOSS:
- Conductive Hearing Loss: Caused by something that stops sounds from getting through the outer or middle ear. Often can be treated with medicine or surgery.
- Sensorineaural Hearing Loss: Occurs when there is a problem with the inner ear or hearing nerve.
- Mixed Hearing Loss: Includes both a conductive and a sensorineural hearing loss.
- Auditory Neuropathy Spectrum Disorder: Occurs when sound enters the ear normally, but because of damage to the inner ear or the hearing nerve, sound isn't organized in a way that the brain can understand.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
"Lean In?" It's all about money
"An older man and a younger man in a bar looks like mentoring, but an older man and a younger woman in a bar looks like an affair."
- Sheryl Sandberg, Facebook COO and author of 'Lean In: Women, Work and the Will to Lead'
The debate (if not fire storm) that's kicked up since Sheryl Sandberg released her book, 'Lean In: Women, Work and the Will to Lead,' has important long-term implications for the financial well being of our daughters. The discussion so far has not put money at the front and center of the debate. Instead the conversation has meandered around on topics such as what do women want in terms of fulfillment regarding family and career? Can women ever be truly happy unless they just give up and stay home, asks another.
Conversations have been about our male-oriented culture and what men should be doing at home and at work to help women find balance. Both good topics, but the real issue is money: How much women earn, how much money they contribute to household income and ultimately how much money they save (with or without a spouse) for retirement.
Since birth control became readily available 50 years ago, women have been asking for equal pay and equal rights in the work place. While all that asking was going on the American economy adjusted to a two-income family as we all went to work.
Now it is difficult for most women to believe that they actually have a choice to either work outside the home or stay at home with a young family. That's because it takes two paychecks to buy a house, two pay checks to buy a car and to save for the kids' college education...never mind saving for retirement. Many women take a time out when their kids are pre-school but eventually return to the work force out of necessity...behind in pay and behind in career advancement.
(For a take on what it costs for corporate career women to work full-time right after the birth of a baby, check out "The True Cost of Leaning In," at www.dailybeast.com.)
Sandberg makes good points about how women must manage their work lives. She suggests that women "unintentionally impede their own career progress by backing away from challenges, risks and assuming positions of leadership when they should be leaning in." (Forbes review) She told a New York audience recently that she's "worried about stagnation" and that women have made little progress in the corporate world in the past decade.
Her intention with 'Lean In' (she says) is to start up a new dialogue about women's progress and women's issues. Here's what the statistics tell us:
- In 2010 women who worked full time, year round, still only earned 77 percent of what men earned. The median earnings for women were $36,931 compared to $47,715 for men, and neither real median earnings nor the female-to-male earnings ratio have increased since 2009.
- According to the U.S. Census Bureau, 15.3 million households are headed by a woman single-parent. That's twice as many as are maintained by single men.
- 17.2 million women live alone as compared with 13.9 million men in 2010. This is partly because women out live men by five or six years, sometimes much longer.
- Experts estimate that as many as 40 to 50 percent of all first marriages end in divorce while 29 percent end within 10 years.
- Household income for those maintained by single women earning $32,597 a year as compared with male-led household income of $48,084.
- Some 20 percent of single women 65 and older are living at or below the poverty rate in this country. So where do these shocking facts about women leave us?
Women at the top like Sheryl Sandberg, who are well-educated and successful corporate executives, must show us all the way, renew the discussion about women in the work place and encourage women in a gentle but firm way to:
- Bring up gender in the work place and ask how these issues are being handled.
- Encourage women to ask for responsibility and negotiate the right balance for family and career.
- Prompt women to seek out mentors who can advise them about career.
- Tell women to simply ask for a raise when they know they are being paid less than the men around them in the same jobs.
- Encourage women to act more like men....in other words, women should not discount the contributions they are making at work.
- Encourage girls to seek out careers that combine work rewards with higher pay. It's OK to get a fine arts degree but add in the computer design skills.
At least one reviewer said Sandberg makes the good point that "women make incremental decisions based on future plans for a family, which chip away at their career options."Summing up. After 50 years, women are still getting over-looked. Women are still paid less and saving less for retirement.
Unfortunately, the fault is at least partly our own.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
My mother, Helen Rose is 98, today!. Here are some of her recipes
My mother, Helen Rose, is celebrating her 98th birthday, today!
In her honor, below, are a few of her recipes and some stories that conjure up delightful childhood memories from my time with her in the kitchen.
Mom's specialties were far ranging --- casseroles proudly brought to farm picnics, delicate Jello salad molds created for her ladies' luncheons. Biscuits in the morning with coffee and pies for dessert at the evening meal. She loved the creative aspects of cooking and the "giving" part of cooking.
She tried new ideas. Never lost her temper. Her kitchen drawers were stuffed with clippings and food photos. She scoured monthly women's magazines for inspiration. She was an enthusiastic cook.
Into her 90s, when still at the farm house, mother still made her fantastic biscuits for breakfast. I could never duplicate the technique. Her biscuits were light... melting in your mouth. Mine could be used for trap-shooting targets.
She began married life at age 21 in 1937 preparing "lunch" for gangs of hungry men working in the summer on wheat threshing crews. She learned early how to can and preserve. She made grape juice with grapes from the garden, snapped and froze green beans, put up corn sliced from the cob.
She had such an engaged touch. As a modern wife of the 1950s, mother embraced Miracle Whip, Jello, Tang and an automatic dishwasher, all as ways to make life better. But her roots were deep in farming. Every summer she made the most wonderful apricot freezer jam on earth from fruit on the tree in the orchard pasture.
My most pleasant memories with my mother center on food...harvesting it, preparing it and serving it to family and friends. Here's to you, mom!!! Thanks for giving me the Joy of Cooking and a life-time of recipes on which to draw. Happy 98th!!!
Mom's Holiday Fudge
4 1/2 C. white sugar
1 12 oz. "tall" can evaporated milk
2 Giant Hershey chocolate bars (4.4 oz. bars)
1 12 oz. pkg. Hershey semi-sweet chocolate chips
1 14 oz. jar marshmallow cream (or 2 7-oz.jars)
1/2 cube butter
2 t. vanilla
1 t. salt (scant)
1 C. chopped nuts (optional)
Bring sugar and milk to a boil in heavy large sauce pan, stirring constantly. Keep at a rolling boil for exactly 6 minutes. Avoid scorching. Remove from heat. Add in broken chocolate bars and chocolate chips, marshmallow cream, butter, salt and vanilla. Let chocolate soften. Then vigorously stir mixture with a wooden spoon until creamy and smooth. (Enlist family, if needed to help with the mixing). The fudge mixture should have a bit of sheen to it from the butter. Pour onto a cookie sheet and spread to the edges. Allow to cool, then cut into squares. Perfect for gifts at any holiday.
Helen's Apricot Freezer Jam
12 C. pitted ripe apricots (mashed with the skins)
4 C. Canned crushed pineapple
10 lbs. white sugar
2 C. lemon juice (throw in a bit of lemon rind)
4 pkgs. Pectin (MCP Ultragel)
Grated rind from 4 oranges, then cut into pieces, add.
1 qt. Karo light syrup.
Stir fruit, sugar and pineapple mixture in large pot over low heat until sugar is dissolved. Cool. Slowly add pectin, set aside for 30 minutes.
Grate 4 oranges, add rind and 1 qt. of Karo syrup, lemon juice and rind. Mix in. Set aside and allow mixture to thicken. Transfer to pint-size plastic freezer containers, label and freeze for later use.
Helen's Lemon Angel Dessert
1 small angel food cake
1 pkg. Knox gelatin dissolved in 1/2 C. water
6 egg yolks, separated from whites (reserve whites)
3/4 C. orange juice
1/3 C. lemon juice
6 egg whites beaten until stiff with 3/4 C. sugar.
Tear cake into bite-size pieces and place in a large mixing bowl, set aside. Mix egg yolks, sugar, orange juice and lemon juice in double-boiler. Bring up heat to a low boil, stirring constantly. Add gelatin, then cool.
Beat egg whites until firm, add sugar. Fold egg whites and egg-gelatin mixture together. Then carefully fold in angel food cake pieces. Place in 9x14-inch serving pan, spread to edges. Chill in refrigerator. Serves 12.
For more:
www.cooks.com, click here for angel food dessert recipes.
For rhubarb apricot freezer jam, click here.
Fudge recipes at www.cooks.com, click here.
Great fudge ideas, click here.
Tasty Kitchen, angel food strawberry cake dessert.
In her honor, below, are a few of her recipes and some stories that conjure up delightful childhood memories from my time with her in the kitchen.
Mom's specialties were far ranging --- casseroles proudly brought to farm picnics, delicate Jello salad molds created for her ladies' luncheons. Biscuits in the morning with coffee and pies for dessert at the evening meal. She loved the creative aspects of cooking and the "giving" part of cooking.
She tried new ideas. Never lost her temper. Her kitchen drawers were stuffed with clippings and food photos. She scoured monthly women's magazines for inspiration. She was an enthusiastic cook.
Into her 90s, when still at the farm house, mother still made her fantastic biscuits for breakfast. I could never duplicate the technique. Her biscuits were light... melting in your mouth. Mine could be used for trap-shooting targets.
She began married life at age 21 in 1937 preparing "lunch" for gangs of hungry men working in the summer on wheat threshing crews. She learned early how to can and preserve. She made grape juice with grapes from the garden, snapped and froze green beans, put up corn sliced from the cob.
She had such an engaged touch. As a modern wife of the 1950s, mother embraced Miracle Whip, Jello, Tang and an automatic dishwasher, all as ways to make life better. But her roots were deep in farming. Every summer she made the most wonderful apricot freezer jam on earth from fruit on the tree in the orchard pasture.
My most pleasant memories with my mother center on food...harvesting it, preparing it and serving it to family and friends. Here's to you, mom!!! Thanks for giving me the Joy of Cooking and a life-time of recipes on which to draw. Happy 98th!!!
Mom's Holiday Fudge
4 1/2 C. white sugar
1 12 oz. "tall" can evaporated milk
2 Giant Hershey chocolate bars (4.4 oz. bars)
1 12 oz. pkg. Hershey semi-sweet chocolate chips
1 14 oz. jar marshmallow cream (or 2 7-oz.jars)
1/2 cube butter
2 t. vanilla
1 t. salt (scant)
1 C. chopped nuts (optional)
Bring sugar and milk to a boil in heavy large sauce pan, stirring constantly. Keep at a rolling boil for exactly 6 minutes. Avoid scorching. Remove from heat. Add in broken chocolate bars and chocolate chips, marshmallow cream, butter, salt and vanilla. Let chocolate soften. Then vigorously stir mixture with a wooden spoon until creamy and smooth. (Enlist family, if needed to help with the mixing). The fudge mixture should have a bit of sheen to it from the butter. Pour onto a cookie sheet and spread to the edges. Allow to cool, then cut into squares. Perfect for gifts at any holiday.
Helen's Apricot Freezer Jam
12 C. pitted ripe apricots (mashed with the skins)
4 C. Canned crushed pineapple
10 lbs. white sugar
2 C. lemon juice (throw in a bit of lemon rind)
4 pkgs. Pectin (MCP Ultragel)
Grated rind from 4 oranges, then cut into pieces, add.
1 qt. Karo light syrup.
Stir fruit, sugar and pineapple mixture in large pot over low heat until sugar is dissolved. Cool. Slowly add pectin, set aside for 30 minutes.
Grate 4 oranges, add rind and 1 qt. of Karo syrup, lemon juice and rind. Mix in. Set aside and allow mixture to thicken. Transfer to pint-size plastic freezer containers, label and freeze for later use.
Helen's Lemon Angel Dessert
1 small angel food cake
1 pkg. Knox gelatin dissolved in 1/2 C. water
6 egg yolks, separated from whites (reserve whites)
3/4 C. orange juice
1/3 C. lemon juice
6 egg whites beaten until stiff with 3/4 C. sugar.
Tear cake into bite-size pieces and place in a large mixing bowl, set aside. Mix egg yolks, sugar, orange juice and lemon juice in double-boiler. Bring up heat to a low boil, stirring constantly. Add gelatin, then cool.
Beat egg whites until firm, add sugar. Fold egg whites and egg-gelatin mixture together. Then carefully fold in angel food cake pieces. Place in 9x14-inch serving pan, spread to edges. Chill in refrigerator. Serves 12.
For more:
www.cooks.com, click here for angel food dessert recipes.
For rhubarb apricot freezer jam, click here.
Fudge recipes at www.cooks.com, click here.
Great fudge ideas, click here.
Tasty Kitchen, angel food strawberry cake dessert.
Monday, March 11, 2013
Downton Abbey: A series of unfortunate estate-planning mistakes!!
Kelly Greene writing in the Wall Street Journal draws some great lessons from the Downton Abbey public television saga, which has an upper class English family bedeviled by plots twists involving bad estate- and financial-planning decisions.
It turns out financial advisers and estate attorneys all over the country are using Downton and the multi-generational Crawley family for what NOT to do.
To read the entire WSJ piece, "Money Lessons from Downton Abbey," WSJ March 1, 2012 click here.
You don’t have to be from the rich upper crust to benefit from this family’s mistakes. Any one who owns a home or other real estate, anyone who owns a family business or has investments can learn from this story that hinges on a series of financial set-backs, surprises and losses.
In a nutshell here’s what the series, which just ended Season 3, recommends us.
1. Sell the house. Inheriting an old house is more trouble than its worth. The Crawley family is saddled with a huge old house and sprawling estate that requires nearly all their money and a huge staff to maintain. Parents, reports Greene in the WSJ story, often over estimate the sentimental attachment of their children to the old family home. If the property ends up being owned my multiple family members, some will resent that any inherited money is going into house upkeep instead of to them. Houses can't force family togetherness, the experts say. It is hard for a family to agree on how to manage an old property, especially if one of them wants to live in it.
2. Spell out control and ownership when passing on a family-owned business. Sons in law (as in the Crawley family) may have different ideas for how a family business should be run. Make sure everybody is clear on who has voting rights, veto rights and the power to fire. Expect tension as the transition is made from parents to the new generation.
3. Use (legal) trusts to protect the family estate. Trusts can be helpful to two reasons -- tax planning and money management. A corporate trustee is a professional bound by investing rules. A trustee knows investments must be diversified and that actions must reported back to the trustee and the trustee’s family, in some cases monthly. (More about trusts, click here.)
While, your nephew, Tony, is a nice guy, he may have no understanding of finances or investing. Further more, he has no legal responsibility to tell anyone what he's doing with your money or property. He's really not legally accountable to anyone and could be badgered into complying with money demands from needy family members, never mind his own temptations.
With a trust, there's nothing to be done as when the Crawleys appeal to the earl's American mother-in-law (Shirley McLaine) to bail them out, She says she can't help because the assets are tied up in a trust. Oh well.
4. Make a will before giving birth. Have a will and business agreement in place for what would happen to your spouse and children if you die. Update this will every few years.
We will find out in Season 4, if Matthew Crawley had a will.
5. Set up a medical directive. Sybil, the youngest Crawley daughter dies giving birth. The family struggles to guess what her wishes would have been regarding her medical care or what religious faith she wished her baby to be baptized in. A will and a medical directive would have really helped.
6. The biggest lesson? Diversify your investments. Things start to get sticky for the Crawley family, writes Greene, when the Earl of Grantham loses his fortune – actually all his wife Cora's money --- by investing in a Canadian railway company that goes bankrupt. It’s never a good idea to put all your money into one big investment.
Are you unsure of your investment strategy? Investor.gov is a good place to start learning more.
So thank you Downton Abbey for these family management lessons, as true today as 100 years ago. What will we learn about money and families in Season 4?
For more:
www.wife.org
www.investor.gov
www.wise-investors.org
www.wiseswomeninvestor.org
www.learnvest.com
www.bankrate.com
It turns out financial advisers and estate attorneys all over the country are using Downton and the multi-generational Crawley family for what NOT to do.
To read the entire WSJ piece, "Money Lessons from Downton Abbey," WSJ March 1, 2012 click here.
You don’t have to be from the rich upper crust to benefit from this family’s mistakes. Any one who owns a home or other real estate, anyone who owns a family business or has investments can learn from this story that hinges on a series of financial set-backs, surprises and losses.
In a nutshell here’s what the series, which just ended Season 3, recommends us.
1. Sell the house. Inheriting an old house is more trouble than its worth. The Crawley family is saddled with a huge old house and sprawling estate that requires nearly all their money and a huge staff to maintain. Parents, reports Greene in the WSJ story, often over estimate the sentimental attachment of their children to the old family home. If the property ends up being owned my multiple family members, some will resent that any inherited money is going into house upkeep instead of to them. Houses can't force family togetherness, the experts say. It is hard for a family to agree on how to manage an old property, especially if one of them wants to live in it.
2. Spell out control and ownership when passing on a family-owned business. Sons in law (as in the Crawley family) may have different ideas for how a family business should be run. Make sure everybody is clear on who has voting rights, veto rights and the power to fire. Expect tension as the transition is made from parents to the new generation.
3. Use (legal) trusts to protect the family estate. Trusts can be helpful to two reasons -- tax planning and money management. A corporate trustee is a professional bound by investing rules. A trustee knows investments must be diversified and that actions must reported back to the trustee and the trustee’s family, in some cases monthly. (More about trusts, click here.)
While, your nephew, Tony, is a nice guy, he may have no understanding of finances or investing. Further more, he has no legal responsibility to tell anyone what he's doing with your money or property. He's really not legally accountable to anyone and could be badgered into complying with money demands from needy family members, never mind his own temptations.
With a trust, there's nothing to be done as when the Crawleys appeal to the earl's American mother-in-law (Shirley McLaine) to bail them out, She says she can't help because the assets are tied up in a trust. Oh well.
4. Make a will before giving birth. Have a will and business agreement in place for what would happen to your spouse and children if you die. Update this will every few years.
We will find out in Season 4, if Matthew Crawley had a will.
5. Set up a medical directive. Sybil, the youngest Crawley daughter dies giving birth. The family struggles to guess what her wishes would have been regarding her medical care or what religious faith she wished her baby to be baptized in. A will and a medical directive would have really helped.
6. The biggest lesson? Diversify your investments. Things start to get sticky for the Crawley family, writes Greene, when the Earl of Grantham loses his fortune – actually all his wife Cora's money --- by investing in a Canadian railway company that goes bankrupt. It’s never a good idea to put all your money into one big investment.
Are you unsure of your investment strategy? Investor.gov is a good place to start learning more.
So thank you Downton Abbey for these family management lessons, as true today as 100 years ago. What will we learn about money and families in Season 4?
For more:
www.wife.org
www.investor.gov
www.wise-investors.org
www.wiseswomeninvestor.org
www.learnvest.com
www.bankrate.com
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Does a Do Not Resuscitate order mean anything? Not if you call 911.
"A dying man needs to die, as a sleepy man needs to sleep, and there comes a time when it is wrong, as well as useless, to resist." -- Stewart Alsop, American newspaper columnist.
My 98-year-old mother sits in her wheel chair at the care center dressed in her cute jeans and sweater, her hair perky and fingernails done. She is a killer at the bingo table, keeps up with sports and politics and wants to know what's going on with her grandsons and great-grandson. But she's frail and growing more frail. Her eyesight is marginal, her energy levels in decline and her balance precarious.
Over the course of the conversation I know that at some point she's going to ask "the question." That's the question that I'm sure many 90-something people ask...."Why am I here?"
When I tell her that we all admire her courage in her old age, that we appreciate her life force and continue to learn from her and love her, she smiles and shrugs. When I tell her that she could easily live another three or four years, she furrows her brow and sighs.
She's often told me that she hopes to die in her sleep and that she certainly wants no heroic attempts to resuscitate her if she has another stroke or a sudden heart attack.
She's signed plenty of paper work at her care facility, saying just that. She does not want 911 called in an emergency. She wants to die naturally...not in a coma, hooked to machines.
But where does the news this week out of California leave us all? The story is about the 87-year-old woman who died after a nurse at her retirement home refused a 911 dispatcher's pleas to perform CPR after she collapsed.
The local media jumped all over this, painting the caregiver in a bad light even though the she said was trying to meet the 87-year-old's wishes. Despite the "outrage" over this death, we now learn that the family has said they are satisfied with the care their mother received.
"It was our beloved mother and grandmother's wish to die naturally and without any kind of life prolonging intervention," the family said. "We understand that the 911 tape of this event has caused concern, but our family knows that mom had full knowledge of the limitations of Glenwood Gardens (Bakersfield, Calif.) and is at peace."
The family said it would not sue or try to profit from the death, and called it "a lesson we can all learn from."
"We regret that this private and most personal time has been escalated by the media," the statement said. Ummm, they got that right.
When elderly and frail people sign papers saying they do not want emergency resuscitation does it mean anything? Or are we all so outraged by death that the wishes of the old person are to be ignored?
The people at my mom's care center have explained that if 911 gets involved, all the legally signed requests go out the window. The emergency folks are legally bound to preserve life...no matter what.
Yes life is precious but can't people die in peace at 87 or 98? I'm sure every care center manager in the country is now on the phone to their legal counsel looking for clarification.
Tennessee-based Brookdale Senior Living owns the California care facility. Initially, according to the news report, it said its employee acted correctly by waiting until emergency personnel arrived when the woman collapsed. But later, it issued a new statement saying the employee had misinterpreted the company's guidelines and was on voluntary leave while the case is investigated.
"This incident resulted from a complete misunderstanding of our practice with regards to emergency medical care for our residents," the company said.
Really?!!!
The 87-year-old collapsed in the Glenwood Gardens dining hall. Someone called 911 on a cellphone and asked for an ambulance. Later, a woman who identified herself as a nurse got on the line and told dispatcher that she was not permitted to do CPR on the woman. The dispatcher implored the nurse to find someone else and said she would instruct them on how to do the procedure.
"I understand if your facility is not willing to do that," the dispatcher said. "Give the phone to a passer-by. This woman is not breathing enough. She is going to die if we don't get this started, do you understand?" By the time paramedics arrived, the woman had stopped breathing.
The death has prompted multiple investigations. Bakersfield police are trying to determine whether a crime was committed when the nurse refused to help even find someone to perform CPR. The Kern County Aging and Adult Services Department is looking into possible elder abuse and the state Assembly's Aging and Long-term Care Committee is investigating to see whether legislation is needed. Oh boy.
The nation's largest trade group for senior living facilities has called for its members to review policies.
"It was a complete tragedy," Maribeth Bersani, senior vice president of the Assisted Living Federation of America, told the Associated Press. "Our members are now looking at their policies to make sure they are clear. Whether they have one to initiate (CPR) or not, they should be responsive to what the 911 person tells them to do."
There are lessons here:
- Tell your "friends" at the care center to not call 911.
- Make sure you have a "Do Not Resuscitate" directive on file with everyone. Each state has its own DNR form...so be sure yours is in line with state regulations.
- Make it clear to family members that there are to be no heroics. Get legal instructions filed with your doctor, the fire department, the care center and with all family members.
But even then your wishes may not be met. Tell friends and fellow residents at the care center to stay off the phone.
For more information:
How to write a DO NOT RESUSCITATE directive, click here.
Assisted Living Federation of America, click here.
"Getting Ready to Go" executive summary from AARP, click here.
New York Times editorial, The New Old Age, click here.
Forbes.com, "The CPR Death: What Really Happened and Five Lessons You Should Learn," click here.
My 98-year-old mother sits in her wheel chair at the care center dressed in her cute jeans and sweater, her hair perky and fingernails done. She is a killer at the bingo table, keeps up with sports and politics and wants to know what's going on with her grandsons and great-grandson. But she's frail and growing more frail. Her eyesight is marginal, her energy levels in decline and her balance precarious.
Over the course of the conversation I know that at some point she's going to ask "the question." That's the question that I'm sure many 90-something people ask...."Why am I here?"
When I tell her that we all admire her courage in her old age, that we appreciate her life force and continue to learn from her and love her, she smiles and shrugs. When I tell her that she could easily live another three or four years, she furrows her brow and sighs.
She's often told me that she hopes to die in her sleep and that she certainly wants no heroic attempts to resuscitate her if she has another stroke or a sudden heart attack.
She's signed plenty of paper work at her care facility, saying just that. She does not want 911 called in an emergency. She wants to die naturally...not in a coma, hooked to machines.
But where does the news this week out of California leave us all? The story is about the 87-year-old woman who died after a nurse at her retirement home refused a 911 dispatcher's pleas to perform CPR after she collapsed.
The local media jumped all over this, painting the caregiver in a bad light even though the she said was trying to meet the 87-year-old's wishes. Despite the "outrage" over this death, we now learn that the family has said they are satisfied with the care their mother received.
"It was our beloved mother and grandmother's wish to die naturally and without any kind of life prolonging intervention," the family said. "We understand that the 911 tape of this event has caused concern, but our family knows that mom had full knowledge of the limitations of Glenwood Gardens (Bakersfield, Calif.) and is at peace."
The family said it would not sue or try to profit from the death, and called it "a lesson we can all learn from."
"We regret that this private and most personal time has been escalated by the media," the statement said. Ummm, they got that right.
When elderly and frail people sign papers saying they do not want emergency resuscitation does it mean anything? Or are we all so outraged by death that the wishes of the old person are to be ignored?
The people at my mom's care center have explained that if 911 gets involved, all the legally signed requests go out the window. The emergency folks are legally bound to preserve life...no matter what.
Yes life is precious but can't people die in peace at 87 or 98? I'm sure every care center manager in the country is now on the phone to their legal counsel looking for clarification.
Tennessee-based Brookdale Senior Living owns the California care facility. Initially, according to the news report, it said its employee acted correctly by waiting until emergency personnel arrived when the woman collapsed. But later, it issued a new statement saying the employee had misinterpreted the company's guidelines and was on voluntary leave while the case is investigated.
"This incident resulted from a complete misunderstanding of our practice with regards to emergency medical care for our residents," the company said.
Really?!!!
The 87-year-old collapsed in the Glenwood Gardens dining hall. Someone called 911 on a cellphone and asked for an ambulance. Later, a woman who identified herself as a nurse got on the line and told dispatcher that she was not permitted to do CPR on the woman. The dispatcher implored the nurse to find someone else and said she would instruct them on how to do the procedure.
"I understand if your facility is not willing to do that," the dispatcher said. "Give the phone to a passer-by. This woman is not breathing enough. She is going to die if we don't get this started, do you understand?" By the time paramedics arrived, the woman had stopped breathing.
The death has prompted multiple investigations. Bakersfield police are trying to determine whether a crime was committed when the nurse refused to help even find someone to perform CPR. The Kern County Aging and Adult Services Department is looking into possible elder abuse and the state Assembly's Aging and Long-term Care Committee is investigating to see whether legislation is needed. Oh boy.
The nation's largest trade group for senior living facilities has called for its members to review policies.
"It was a complete tragedy," Maribeth Bersani, senior vice president of the Assisted Living Federation of America, told the Associated Press. "Our members are now looking at their policies to make sure they are clear. Whether they have one to initiate (CPR) or not, they should be responsive to what the 911 person tells them to do."
There are lessons here:
- Tell your "friends" at the care center to not call 911.
- Make sure you have a "Do Not Resuscitate" directive on file with everyone. Each state has its own DNR form...so be sure yours is in line with state regulations.
- Make it clear to family members that there are to be no heroics. Get legal instructions filed with your doctor, the fire department, the care center and with all family members.
But even then your wishes may not be met. Tell friends and fellow residents at the care center to stay off the phone.
For more information:
How to write a DO NOT RESUSCITATE directive, click here.
Assisted Living Federation of America, click here.
"Getting Ready to Go" executive summary from AARP, click here.
New York Times editorial, The New Old Age, click here.
Forbes.com, "The CPR Death: What Really Happened and Five Lessons You Should Learn," click here.
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